Thursday 22 May 2014

Boots Of A Sailor, Hair Of A Whore.

'Back To You In The Studio'.
The Look Of Pure Horror In The Local Newsreaders Face - 
Really Hit Home, Hard.
In That One Moment I Felt That Static Shock Of Realization.
Like The Falling Dream.
Or The Snap Out Of Daydreaming.
Or Probably The Horror Of Realizing My Lazy Eye Most Likely Kicked In.
After Over A Year Away I Felt Drawn To Write.
 Sure I Was Never Fully Committed To It,
But It's A Canvas.
My Usual Glittered Brain Has Been Mostly Cotton Wool.
Where's My Snap.
My Abrupt Emergency Stop.
This Past Time Has Been A Carousel In Slow Motion,
All Smiles & Wonderful.
But The Past Months Have Been The Aftermath Of A Rollercoaster.
Where You Leave Dizzy & Uncoordinated.
Blurry Minded & Zombie Like.
Well I Do Anyway.
And Then, Jump.
That Sharp Realization Is Back.
My Existence Still Numb, But My Mind Awake.
Overworked, Exhausted & Barely There.
The Girl, Barely.
Carries On Like Nothing Amiss.
Routine & Distractions Are Key,
To Fuck All In My Case.
All Sunshine & Rainbows Until You Remember The Empty.
The Lonely & Hollow.
Then The Sharp Sadness.
Then The Stupidity, For Feeling Feelings.
It's Weird Where You Find Your Logic.
Beyonce Has Never Been A Calling Until Now.
In A Teen Angst Filled Playlist,
There She Is Singing Away. 
Completely Unaware Of The Beasts Surrounding Her.
I Had This Space Past The End Of My Bed.
In The Dark It Scared Me.
In The Day It Was Just There.
When I Lay Down I Couldn't See It.
Or Could Even Tell What's There.
It Drove My Over Imaginative Mind Crazy.
With Possibilities & Reasons.
Some Were A Dream And Others A Nightmare.
Until I Looked.
And Settled My Mind At The Sight Of Nothing.
Between Me And The Space There Was The End Of My Bed.
A Barrier.
'To The Unknown'.
Or A Pile Of Dirty Washing And Some Ammo Boots.
Either Way,
I Have A New Bed Now, Much Like A New Story.
No More Laying Down In The Dark With The Duvet Over My Head.
I Can Sit Up And Peek Over The Edge. 
I'm A One Person Now.
A Charlie.
Welcome To The Voices In My Head, The Mutters Of My Mind.
When I Can Remember What They're Telling Me.
A Documentary Of My Adventures & Failures.
Because How Else Will I Learn.
Brightness Is Coming. xXx

Sunday 10 February 2013

'Same Old Trailer, Different Park'.


This Existence Is So Playground,
Then Life Is So School-Yard.
We All Strive To Be One Up On Someone Or Something.
When We Just Really Shouldn't Be Caring.
If You Play The Jester, You're Going To Get Laughed At.
I May Be Known As Ditzy And Blonde.
No One Would Know I'm Clued Up Like Bond.
I Know What's Going On, I Take It All In.
I Don't Just Think Things Out On A Whim.
Glitter And Shoes Is What I Will Choose,
Those Are The Things I Never Will Lose.
Don't Go, You're My Ticket Out Of Here.
Men And Friends Will Leave Me,
Shoes Can't Leave Without Me.
I Repeat Myself Just As Time Does.
The Trends, The Time, The Tides.
But Then Again,
'Time And Tide Wait For No Man.'
Or Me, I Guess.
Have You Ever Over Thought A Game Of Bingo?
I Have.
From The Meaningful 'Lucky' Ticket I Keep In My Purse,
To Thinking Up Strange And Wonderful Numerical Combinations As The Numbers Are Called.
The Thing Is,
Whatever Number Is Called I Guess It's Always One That Someone Wants.
Not One Goes Unwanted.
I Like The Patterns Left By Empty Boxes Within Boxes.
The Satisfaction When Your Dabber Makes The Perfect Mark.
None Of This Represents Different Meanings,
I Guess I Just Really Love Bingo.
I Like The Characters.
Reg Who Holds The Door Open,
In His Sunday Best Ready For Early Flyers At 1pm.
Or The Oldest Best Friends That Arrive, Sit And Leave Together.
With Their Happy Painted Faces And Novelty Knits.
The Callers Themselves,
That Each Have A Different Way Of Calling.
I Love But Hate Those Dreams That Are So Good The Feel Like A Hot Shower On A Cold Day.
Then You Wake Up To The Bitter Reality That Is A Damp Towel And A Bathroom With No Heating That Is 'The Real World.'
I Love How In The Bath I Had So Many Ideas Running Through My Head For What To Write Down.
Then Sat Here With My Hair Dripping Down My Back,
It's All Gone.
So My Secret Is Out.
And I Am In Limbo.
Control Is A Funny Old Thing.
Who Must Have It And Who Thinks They Have It,
Then There's Those Who Deny Using It But Are Oblivious To The Fact That Using That Control On Others, Is In Fact Controlling Them.
Who Dictates Who Controls Who.
 Who Is Victimised For Doing What They Want.
I Hope It Makes Those Happy That Just Because It Wasn't Run Past You First,
You Get To Throw Your Toys Out Of Your Pram.
Because It Is In Fact, Childish.
Yes I'm Ranting, But This Is My Canvas.
So When You Judge Me, Remember To Be Perfect In Every Way Yourself First.
I Wouldn't Talk About It If I Didn't Care.
As Much As It Pisses Me Off To Say I Do.
But Considering It's Taken Me This Short Amount Of Time To Realise Nothings Different.
I Therefore Feel Quite Abit At Peace.
Until The Next Scandal I Suppose.
There Will Be Another Of Course,
I Do Hate To Dissapoint An Audience.
Even If It Is Meaningless Gossip And Sharp Rumours.
It Keeps Those Bitter Tongues At Bay Until Their Own Dark Stories Are Revealed,
So They Too Then Get To Play The Game Of 'Friend Or Foe'.
I Could Run My Mouth With The Best Of Them.
But For Me The Best Is The Observing, The People Watching.
The Serpants And The Sinners.
The Rumours And The Ringleaders.
Be Careful What Fiction You Create.
Because I Know Truths That Were For Sure Thought Were Secret.
But This Becomes My Headache, Where These Knowings Rattle Around.
With My Mouth Closed Tight, So Not To Make A Scene.
We All Need A Little 'Me Against The World Moment' Now And Then.
But Mine Isn't That Extreme.
I Have More Than I Deserve.
More Diamonds Than Coal.
I'm Missing Out? Negative.
I've Gained A Brand New Sparkly Necklace Full Of Gems. xXx




Tuesday 20 November 2012

'Truth Of My Youth'.

I Love How People Judge The Judged, But No One Judges The Judgers.
I Love Seeing The Fog Descend Onto The High Pavement From My Window.
I Love Parking My Car Then Hearing A Neighbour Tell Her Friends How I 'Can REALLY Reverse'.
I Love The Feeling Of Completing All Housework Before 10am.
I Love The Sound Of Auntie Pat Calling 'Allo Anyone In' Then Proceeding To Update Us On Current Affairs Follwed By A Weather Report And/Or A Telling Off.
I Love Waking Up To A Favourite Sight Of Light Through The Curtains In Certain Places With A Glimpse Of Branches.
I Love The Smell, Colour And Feel Of Autumn.
I Love Northern Mornings.
I Love Oxford Mornings.
I Love Seaside Mornings.
I Love The Evenings Too.
I Love The Cold Nose Of A Happy Hound That Nudges My Hand For More Fussing.
Or When I Wake To Find Him Sharing My Pillow.
I Love Warm Blankets And Cosy Socks.
I Love The Smell Of Old Books.
I Love Free Long Phone Calls And Skyping.
I Love That Routine.
I Love Snuggling Down To The Radio.
I Protest, But I Love The Spooky Videos Really.
I Love Those Annoying Nights Out Where You Get Home Too Early And All You Want To Do Is Cause Havoc.
I Love How My Brother Says 'You Are 42 Out Of 10 At Being The Best Sister Ever'.
I Love It When I Come Home And He Welcomes Me With 'Charlie!'.
I Love Completely Unsuspected Lovely Day Brightening Texts.
I Love The Song That Shoots Into My Brain When I Wake Up And Determines My Mood.
I Love When You Listen To It So Many Times To Learn The Words.
I Love Museums.
I Love Antique Halls.
I Love A Walk In The Woods.
I Love A Cycle Along The Shore.
I Love The Butterflies I Get When I Look Up And Catch You Watching Me.
I Love The Suprise I Get When You Reach For My Hand.
I Love How We All Assume We Will Be Here Tomorrow.
I Love How We Plan In Advance.
I Love How We Worry Over Worries.
I Love How We Fight Pettily.
I Love How Those Who Are So 'Me Against The World' Strive For Acceptance.
I Love How People Still Care About Age, Looks, Gender, Colour, Money In Today's World.
I Love The Hypocrites, And How I Can Relate.
I Love How The People In Charge Don't Have A Clue What Needs Doing.
I Love That 'Click' Or Understanding.
I Love Learning Something New.
I Love Seeing Something Beautiful Despite The Weather.
I Love How My Mind Never Stops,
But Not How I Forget The Good Ideas.
I Still Love The Miraculous Things.
I Love The Word Love,
And How It's Always Better Than Hate.
I Love How People Are All About 'Living In The Moment',
But Life Is Longer Than That. xXx


Thursday 1 November 2012

'Powder & Paint...'

How I Dismantle My Mask.
Pin Up The Hair, The Fake & The Real.
Start With The Forehead, Peel Off The Paint.
Then To The Eyebrows Drawn On To Frame.
Next Is The Nose, Revealing 'That Shine'.
Then To The Cheeks, Concealed & Blushed.
Next To The Eyes, Shadowed, Lashed & Lined.
Then To My Childish Chin, Exposing The Dent.
Last To The Lips, The Pout That I Paint..
Finish Of With A Look & A Sigh,
Or Raised Brows & Silly Face.
Depending On Mood.
Thick Frame Glasses Complete My Look,
Perfectly Teamed With Cosy Pijamas.
That's How I Dismantle My Mask.

Wednesday 31 October 2012

Dollface.

The Blow Up Doll.
Blow Me Up Before You Use Me,
Deflate Me When You Hate Me.
I'm Convenient. 
With My Painted On Face And My Printed On Hair,
Strong Enough Not To Let Emotion Through The Vinyl,
Weak Enough To Flop.
Blatant Visible Seams To Show The Weakest Points,
So You Know Where To Tear Me Apart.
I Could Come With A Voice Box,
It Replaces My Heart.
The Airhead.
Or Seen As To Be.
If This Air Is My Thoughts Then I'll Burst My Own Brain.
Where Will You Point The Pin This Time?
Suprise Me.
Hey, At Least I'll Be Thinner.
Then You Can Buy A New One.
Love, Your Blow Up Doll.

Friday 31 August 2012

'Big River'.

I'm Bored.
My Nails Are Chipped And Broken.
I'm Tired.
And I'm Bored.
What I Make, I Hate.
It Needs Something.
There's Soo Many People Making Extraordinary Things.
I've Gotta Up My Game.
My Bedroom Is Freezing But I Feel Weird With The Window Closed.
Then There's That Moment When You Pull Your Duvet Up And It's Like Ice, 
And For That Moment It's Almost Like You'll Never Be Warm Again.
But Then You Do The 'Cold Bed Wriggle And Shake'.
And Your Feet Start To Mildly Radiate Some Warmth.
Well For Me At Least.
Then Mid Sleep You Wake Up Instantly Regretting Your Sensible Pijamas.
If Only I Could Connect My Mind To A Screen.
There's Things That I Think,
That Others Will Never See.
Not Because I Don't Want Them To,
But Because I Can't Put It On Paper,
Or Explain It While Sounding Sane.
So If There's Balls Of Steel & Hearts Of Glass,
What Is Your Mind?
And Does It Fit? Or Relate To Those Things?
Does It Even Need To?
You Can Be Brave And Not Stop To Think First.
Or Give Your Ticker Away Then Only Remember Your Mind Once It's Shattered.
Maybe.
I Feel Like If I Don't Write This Crap Down I'll Forget It,
But It Would Still Take Space Up In My Mind.
Or Hand Around Like Bubble Gum If You Swallow It.
A Great Woman Once Said,
'If You're Gonna Pose, You Have To Mean It'.
Auntie Pat That Was, She's A Legend.
All I Want Is:
A New Dress,
New Shoes,
Something Shiny,
New War Paint,
A New Hairdo, 
 New Perfume,
Fancy Nails,
A Bigger Bust,
Slimmer Waist,
Lovely Legs And
A Flashy Smile.
But They're Not What I Need.
Far From It.
Sometimes I Forget The Difference.
As I'm Sure Most Of Us Do.
Come On, Get Down Off Your High Horse.
You Don't Have To Justify Anything To Me.
But What I Need Is A Night With Some Friends And The Stars.
An Early Morning Drive With The Window Open.
Washing My Car With No Shoes On.
Cycling Along The Seaside With My Music On.
And A Sit On The Beach With My Sketchbook.
Just Because I Can. xXx



Tuesday 28 August 2012

'Taking The Long Way Round.'


To Me It Would Seem That I Need To Invest In You.
To Work At It.
I'm Not Fond Of My Life's Canvas Becoming Infested With Bitter, Empty, Pointless, Poisons.
Instead I Need To Invest In Something Worth It.
But What's It?
'That's About As Good As It Gets.'
'That's Worth It's Weight In Gold'
'Because You're Worth It'.
Worth?
Hmm.
Debatable Is My New Favourite Word.
Because Lately I Can't See Any Existence Of A 'Level Playing Field'.
Right? Wrong?
Bollocks.
You've Got The Preachers Preaching Something,
While The 'Anti Preachers' Are Preaching Something Back To The Preachers,
Who Were Subsequently Preaching To The 'Anti Preachers' About Their Right To Preach,
While The 'Anti Preachers' Defend Their Right To, Um... Preach.
Makes Sense, Right?
I Know What I Mean In My Head.
What My Voice Box Says Or My Fat Fingers Type,
Could Be Another Matter.
We're All So Desperate For Attention,
To Be Noticed.
Have You Ever Thought That The One You May Never Have Noticed,
May Be The Person Who's Noticing You?
We Want To Stand Out.
So Stop Trying To Fit In With The Out Crowd.
Crowd = Crowded.
There's Too Many.
Be You, It's The One Thing No One Else Can Be.
I Love Waking Up In A Certain Tent,
At Certain Events.
Early Enough To Be Tired For The Rest Of The Day,
But Just In Time To See The Sun Working It's Magic While Most People Miss It.
Zipping Open My Door And Wrapping It Up Just Enough To Let That Lovely Breeze In.
Then Sit With My Feet In The Sun,
Doing My Make Up Trying To Interpret 'The Natural Look/Bed Head' Combo.
Until I Can Be Bothered To Fufill My Glam Mission For The Day.
Then Sit With My Music On, Book Open.
Then Wait For Other Early Risers To Make An Appearance.
This Weekend I Felt Like A Different Person.
I Wanted To Go Out, Meet New People.
Stay Out Late, Get Lost, Make Friends.
And Those Stupid Questions Never Popped Into My Head.
'I Can't Do That What Will They Think Of Me'
'What If They Don't Like Me'
Etc.
But For Once I Thought 'Screw It'.
I Felt Like Owning It.
Maybe Abit Fearless.
What A Maverick, Ay?
Either Way My Silly Mumblings Mean Something To Me.
I Fit Into A Dress I Bought 2 Years Ago.
I Dolled Up.
Introduced Myself To Strangers.
Went Off Alone, Got Lost.
But I Still Went Off Alone And Met New People.
Got In Late.
But I Felt Brilliant.
New Friends And Old.
Fantastic.
I Don't Know If To Be On A Hight Because It Was Ace.
Or Low Because It's Over.
My Heart Hurts So Bad Because I Was Looking Forward To It For SO Long.
It Was So Very Much Worth It. xXx